ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
