You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
no you cant smoke seaweed
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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