just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
