I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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