I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
