Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
