I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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