I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
