sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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