This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize