my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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