"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
