Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
