Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
