Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize