You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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