I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
