I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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