every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she peed on how many people?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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