the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
