did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
That reminds me...we need to get swords
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
