Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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