Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
