I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
