I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Randomize
