I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
