I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
