Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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