He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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