i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
