I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
