as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
