Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
