A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
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