Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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