Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
