If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
