I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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