Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
