can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
