he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
