the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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