Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My vagina is officially offended.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
