im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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