chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
How does it feel to date your dad?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
