Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
