You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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