this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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