can u get pink eye on your cock?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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