i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize