So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
