i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
