I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
