the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
