my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Congratulations! We have a period
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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