at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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