I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Is it because I queefed?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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