Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
